Saturday, August 20, 2011

This summer

This summer has been hot, steamy hot and full of heartbreak and sadness for me. Longing and misery.
I used to be an angry person, angry and bitter. I have worked hard all of my adult life to forgive and forget. To be faithful. To be positive and believe in optimism. I try hard to remember that everything happens for a reason. It is what it is and its no use complaining and worrying about things you can't change.
This summer is testing everyone of these things for me again. Every one of them.
I'm left feeling empty and helpless, wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve this, then feeling guilty for even thinking that, knowing that god would never put anything in front of me that I can't handle.
I feel useless. Sometimes I can't even step foot in my craft room, that's there as an outlet for me, because the thought of being even remotely happy through all of this makes me feel guilty also.
I'm so confused. Feeling happy, sad, angry and hurt all at the same time. I feel lost, like my only guidance was you. You my north star and now you've disappeared. I know its not your fault but I'm angry all the same.
I'm half of what I was, a shell really. Not doing anything more than vegging out in front of bad reality TV that I'm not really watching, other than to gather enough tidbits to make myself feel better about our life.
I know everyone around me feels it. They feel the tension and sorrow pour out of me, but I give them no option than to believe what I'm telling them. "I'm fine, everything is good, just a bit tired." Complete and utter crap.
I am so blatantly not fine. I'm a mess. A sad sorry lonely mess trying her best to be strong and over come but feeling as if she's failing miserably.
Dear sweet love, I pray that you are stronger than I am. I pray that you are feeling none of what I am and that you are able to focus on the good, the positive, the love of the situation.
I want to overcome this. To let go of all these emotions suffocating my soul. I want to forget and forgive, I'm trying, I really am.
I want to see the day of your love again. to know your sweet face again and feel the warmth of your hands.
To have you be here, breathing, calming all my fears and washing away my sorrow. Promising that it will all be gone. It will never be this way again.
I hear your voice. telling me "sweet girl, quiet your fears, all will be well." I'm hanging all my hopes on this. Clinging with every ounce of faith I have that this day will come.
Sweetheart through all of this if one thing reaches you, one thing I know to be true, that's my love for you. Everlasting. Pure. My sweet love for you.

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3 comments:

  1. I hope you're okay. I'm so sorry for the hurt that's in your heart right now. Take care of yourself.

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  2. I just read this now. Hope that whatever is going on passes soon and that you can start to feel happy again <3 -hugs-

    -Adri
    www.macheriecreations.com

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