Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Being real

Having a baby

I was pregnant once 4 years ago. I remember the day we found out. I remember telling Valdo, I have never seen him so happy in my life.

I was told when I was 22 or 23 that I may never be able to get pregnant on my own. I have a bunch of cysts on my ovaries and twice they have gone in to remove what they could and each time caused more and more scar tissue. They told me all this scar tissue would affect me getting pregnant naturally. It's not that I'm not fertile, just that its affecting the sperm actually getting to the egg.

We kept trying anyways. We tried for a long time and nothing was happening.
In the Spanish culture they have a massage a woman can get if she's having trouble trying to get pregnant. We did it. A friend of ours did it at her house, it wasn't at a clinic or a doctor or anything she just massaged my lower abdomen and thighs and then stood me on my head for a minute. I know it may sound nuts, but guess what it worked. A week after that is when i conceived. I was pregnant for 2 1/2 months before I miscarried.

We have still been trying all these years but not in earnest. We almost never use protection because we want a child.
I am about to be 30 in a couple months. I feel like my clock is running out. I have been doing a lot of research and we plan to start really actively trying again now. counting, timing, praying the whole nine yards.

We may have other options to us if this doesn't work, but really I would love to be able to have at least one child all on my own ya know. to be able to carry them for nine months to let them grow with me for nine months.

We talk about children a lot with each other. Valdo is always saying when I have a child I'm doing this and then this and then that. I already have names picked out. I guess when I really think about it, it affects my day to day more than I care to admit. I see women with babies and I feel such a jealousy and longing in my soul. I hear stories about woman getting pregnant and not wanting their children at all and I think why would God give them one and not me.
I full heartedly believe that things happen for a reason. I am praying that God has it in our cards to have a child.

I feel like I just dropped a 1000 pound load I was carrying. This has been a part of my life for so many years, yet not many people know about it. Very few in fact.
I hope that in sharing this here I will be able to help another young woman in my shoes to let go and share herself. to know her struggles are not only hers but many many other woman's as well.
I hope that through this your thoughts and prayers will reach us and that one day our dream will be realized.
If any you have dealt with this or have advice or any wives tales we could try, feel free to leave me a comment or email me at valechula-at-gmail-dot-com

Let me share this poem on fertility issues I found.
The author is unknown.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

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8 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this. What a brave thing to post. I completely understand that feeling of utter jealousy for pregnant women ... before I had my son, I wanted a baby SO badly. We were trying and trying for 6 months before it happened and when it happened, we had pretty much given up the "trying". I remember feeling like EVERYONE around me was pregnant and it hurt. A lot. My friends with kids acted like they could just think about getting pregnant and wouldn't have to even try. It pissed me off, bad. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I cannot even begin to imagine. I wish you all good things on your journey to becoming a Mother. :) Patience is key.

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  2. Thank you so much for your kind words A. I really appreciate it! I was hard to write and it brought up alot of sad feelings but I feel better for having done it in the end. I feel a bit more free after sharing my story. Thanks for you compassion and good thoughts!

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  3.  Thank you so much for the support chris! Hope all is well with you!

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  4. Val, thank you for sharing!  I know it must be extremely hard to go thru this and to share but I know that you will touch someone out there.  My thoughts and prayers are always will you sweetie! (((Hugs)))  

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  5. Thank you so much marlene! I really appreciate it!

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  6. You will be a wonderful mother, Val <3

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  7. Val,

    I read this and I cried because it brought up a lot of familliar feelings. My husband and I have been on a long journey of waying options and going back and forth. We concluded that adoption was the route for us. For me, it came down to this question," Do you want to be a mother or do you want to be pregnant?" For me, I did not care so much about the pregnancy part as the mothering part. I realize adoption is not for everyone...but that is where we were lead. My husband and I have not been matched with a baby as of yet, but we are hoping that our wee baby is out there and that the universe will let us be parents. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share a little bit. You are in my thoughts. Stay strong and hold on to hope.

    Sharis

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