I know I have been gone for awhile. A few weeks actually.
I wanted to sit down today and fill you all in on whats been going on.
There's many reasons why I want to share. One, I need to unload. Seriously release some of the pent up emotion I am feeling. Two, I truly hope that if other women are going through this, they know they are not alone and that it happens quite often. Three, because I know you will all listen, really listen to what I am saying and that some of you may really be able to relate and offer me some much needed words of wisdom.
As you know (I think) by now, I have had many issues trying to have a baby. If you are not up to date on that situation you can read the story here.
So in March/April of this year Valdo and I started trying again seriously. Counting very carefully, timing everything, basically doing all the things by the book they say will help.
Then amazingly I found out in the middle of August I was pregnant!
About 5 days after I found out I started bleeding. I got into the clinic right away for fear of another miscarriage.
The clinic first needed to confirm for themselves that I am pregnant. Confirmation came back positive. Next step after reviewing my history carefully is an ultrasound to confirm again and make sure everything is as it should be.
After a normal ultrasound and a pelvic one they could find no baby.
They decide to do two blood test to confirm again, the results will not be in for a week. Ok, I go home and decide to be as positive as I can and wait out the weekend.
But......in the back of my mind I am worried. Why can't they see anything? why am I bleeding? Am I going to mis carry again? What is going on?
I make it through the weekend.
Monday morning around 4 am I wake up cause my poor puppy was sick so I got up to take her outside. As soon as I stand up from bed I start to not feel well. Serious naseua and dizzyness. I get back into the bathroom thinking I am going to throw up and all the sudden I can hardly stand I am so much pain.
It feels like my appendix (which I no longer have) is rupturing all over again. I wake my family tell them something is seriously wrong and we need to go to the hospital. Two seconds later I am laying on the floor unable to get up. In my head I am thinking something is wrong. Last time I miscarried it didnt hurt like this. I wasnt sick like this. somethings not right at all. I tell my family to call an ambulance.
We get to the hospital and my blood pressure had dropped significantly and the pain was increasing. Yet I am still coherrent at this point.
The doctor decides he needs to do another regular ultra sound and another pelvic ultra sound. Ok with me as long as you make the pain stop I tell the ER doctor.
Five mins into the ultra sound I pass out from pain and am rushed back upstairs into emergency surgery.
I am pregnant.
The baby was 7 weeks along with a heart beat.
The baby was in my tube and had ruptured my tube.
The pregnancy was unsavable and so was my right tube.
After the sugery I found out just how serious it was. They started to fear for my safety during the ultra sound because my blood pressure dropped even farther. all the pushing was forcing more blood into my body internally.
I lost a third of my blood before they could stop the bleeding.
I was in the hospital for 3 days before they let me go home and even then I was on the border for a transfusion. In the end they decided not to. I am severely anemic still and to top it off have an infected insciscion becasue I dont have enough blood to fight off infection. My IV got infiltrated and my whole arm filled fluid for 10 hours before they noticed it. That whole arm is swollen and in alot of pain. And all this is just the physical stuff.
Emotionally I don't even know where to begin.
My baby #2 is gone.
Now I understand women miscarry all the time, and I have been through that myself. But.... let me tell you it does not get any easier the more it happens. In fact I think it gets harder.
And now I feel like I already was having a hard time having a baby, years of struggling and now I am short a tube. That just crushed me. Seriously. And thats not all....
The left tube has a kink in it therefore unless I can get it fixed its utterly useless to me.
I feel useless.
There is a specialist here in the Twin cities I am supposed to see in 6 weeks after I am completely healed. He is my only option. If he can't fix my tube or doesn't think it's worth it all I have left is invitro. And let me tell you who has money to do that? Insurance covers nothing for that. (at least mine doesn't).
I'm struggling so much with all of this, I felt so overwhelmed with all that was happening it was all i could do to get out of bed in the morning. Not only physically was I struggling but mentally emotionally.
I am blessed to have a wonderful support system, sisters, friends and family all talking me through stuff and sending love and cards and support! I can't thank them enough. Most days I would be sitting there crying feeling sorry for myself, for my loss, for valdo's loss and then the mail would come and some one would be telling me how much they love, how much god loves me and that everything is going to be OK.
So here's the deal, I am going to move forward from this.
I am going to keep my faith in God's plan for Valdo and I. I am going to keep my faith that everything happens for a reason. I am choosing to believe that this will work out in the end. This is not going to be the end of our trying to have a family. I won't allow it.
So I am going to mourn my loss and not force myself to rush over this because truly this is a great loss, but when the time comes to see that specialist I will be there with bells and whistles ready to get the ball rolling towards our future.
So please send all your love and thoughts my way for awhile, It's truly going to be appreciated!
I hope to be back to regular blogging very soon.....